What to say to a loved one that has been diagnosed with cancer?

[tom]

I am usually very bad with these conversations. What is a good way to let someone know that you are thinking about them without making them feel worse about the situation they are in? For some reason I feel that i should be giving them pointers or words of encouragement but I have never been through it so I feel at a loss of words.

[Jo]

tom, i have found in most cases, that just a hug, a hand shake, a 'what's up" or a card that says 'i'm thinking of you" is enough. sometimes you don't need to say anything at all.
they know they have cancer, you know they have it, they know that you know and it does not have to be the topic or center of conversation.

in my case, me being the cancer patient, i did not want my family to hover and ask lots of questions. i would have rather they just continued to talk to me like i didn't have cancer. when i was ready to tell them what they needed to know, i did. it was in my time, my way. even now they try to force feelings out of me that i would rather not converse about.

take the lead from your cousins. if they feel like talking, be there to listen. if they don't and they'd rather chat about the Steelers or the Pats, then chat football.

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http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Resou.../yourenotalone
bold emphasis is mine.

You're not alone
'I bumped into James in the lobby of the hospital. I was a student and my family and James's family had been friends for as long as I could remember. Now James's mother had been admitted to hospital and was found to have cancer of the kidney. James was sitting downstairs in the lobby looking miserable and blank. I asked him whether he was on his way up to see his mother. “I've been sitting here for half an hour” he said. “I want to go and see her, but I'm stuck. I don't know what to say”.'

That story shows how most of us feel when someone we love, such as a close friend or relative, has been told that they have cancer. If James’s story strikes a chord with you, the first thing you need to know is that you're not alone.

We all feel stuck and helpless, maybe almost paralysed, when a friend or relative has some bad news. We all feel that we don't know what to say. We also usually think that there are things we should be saying or should be doing which will automatically make things easier for the person with cancer – if only we knew what they were.

There are ways to overcome those feelings so that you can give practical and useful support and help to the person with cancer.

The most important thing to realise is that there are no magic formulae, phrases or approaches which are 'The Right Thing' to say or do in all circumstances and for all situations. There isn't a 'right' set of words or attitudes that will always help. It is not a skill that everybody else knows and you don't. If you really want to help your friend, then your own wish to help is the most important thing, not some perfect script that you should follow, word for word.

Most of us, like James in the story, feel that we don't know what to say. But the important bit is not what we say – it's that we are there, and how we listen. The single most important thing that you can do for your friend or relative with cancer is to listen. Once you've learned the few simple rules of good listening, you'll already be of great help and support. This can help to build up a relationship between you that allows you to be even more supportive and to know what your friend or relative needs.

The secret is learning how to be a good listener, and that begins with understanding why listening (and talking) are so valuable.

[Jo]

tom, have you had any chance to speak with or spend time with your cousins? has the conversation been about cancer or every day stuff?

[Velcrocat]

I know when I was first diagnosed and my pastor's daughter wanted to be supportive but didn't know what to say. I told her what her first thoughts were and then told her that it was OK to feel that way because those were her thoughts and feelings.

Being there and listening or holding them is always a good thing, sometimes people forget the best thing is simply a good heartfelt hug. I know that was what I wanted initially and even now with the diagnosis of metastasis (spread) I need to be hugged more than anything. When I am ready to talk about it I will talk about it. Trying to make me talk just pushes me farther away. Give me time to "digest" what is happening and formulate my thoughts and words. Then I can answer your questions.

[sellyanes]

hi there...

First of all, tel her/him that you love them and care for them, and you need him/her to be right here with you. And you are praying for her, it gone be fine or ok. just have hope and dreams that when you ask God he will heal you. And be close to her all the time.